Goodbyes
I couldn’t see past the salty tears, snot, and a marron blur thanks to my hands covering my despairful face. My heaving sobs prevented me from hearing anything else. I could tell he was trying to tell me something. He probably wanted to get as far away from the situation as humanly possible, but Paul was brought up to be polite enough to pretend to care for me.
‘Please, stop crying’ were the only words I could make out. He was starting to get angry at me for ruining his triumphant day. I remember, for a second, I got so angry at him for expecting me to turn off my emotions at his command, but this was ultimately my fault as I had tried to mold myself to his every desire for a year at this point.
His hug felt droopy and fake like the kind of hug you get from a person who is disgusted by you. At this point, all I could feel was shame that I had cried like a baby in front of a man that never loved me. Yet, all I felt was a sharp and pressing void in my stomach. Paul was leaving. ‘He’s moving to New York to become the most famous actor’ everyone kept reminding everyone else including me.
I will admit, Paul was a unique talent and I’m sure he would grace his way into success with no issue at all, but I hated him for it. His talent was the reason he was leaving. It was the reason he was leaving me.
The only time he told me he loved me was for my 17th birthday. I figure he only did it once because he knew I would take any drop of love he would give me in the desert that was our relationship. He still needed me for practice. A simple and singular ‘I love you’ was probably a bargain for him.
We met at a theater company when I was 15. At the time, I let myself fall at his feet like a moth when it crashes into any pale light in the night. I had admired him from afar for a year before I even got any close to him.
Paul’s talent left you breathless. I’m sure even now I’d be entranced at his way of expressing so much through his art. It’s amazing how someone so empty inside would be so good at acting like a human. He couldn’t help it; he had always been disconnected from everyone and that’s what attracted us all to him. In a way, we all wanted to get inside his head and figure out what kind of magic was inside.
I was the ‘lucky’ chosen one. Paul could’ve had anyone he wanted, but he chose me. We were at the cusp of success with the shows from our play and he knew his fans wouldn’t make it to the last one if they knew he had a girlfriend.
‘You have to wait until our last show and then we can start a relationship’ he said. I didn’t understand what the play had to do with our relationship but I guess many things became clear later in my life.
As the obedient puppy he had groomed me to be, I complied.
I had told my mom I was staying overnight at a friend’s house. She was in the play with us and I had slept over at her house a few times before, so my mom thought nothing of it. What she didn’t know is that my friend’s mom was nowhere near an adequate parent and didn’t care what we did with our nights.
I had planned to pretend I would have a sleepover with her to celebrate our last show together. The truth was that I had planned to spend the night with Paul and then go to my friend’s house in the morning before my mom came to pick me up.
The first thing I learned when we got to Paul’s house was that this god like figure was still a virgin. He had told me he was ok with doing anything but having sex. He said he wasn’t ready for that yet. I was surprised that I could even kiss him so anything else just seemed like a major win to me.
But I quickly found out that, not only was he a virgin, he was also really easily taken to orgasm. Our first, almost sexual, encounter lasted no more than 2 minutes. He had kissed girls before me but I was his first everything aside from that. So, as I slithered my hand down his pants and into his boxer a fresh wet stain greeted me.
It hadn’t occurred to me that he had built such a mysterious and powerful persona around him that he couldn’t have anyone know that he was naive and inexperienced with intimacy. He chose me because he knew I would never shame him for it and he knew I was experienced enough to show him the ropes.
Once he came, he was done with kissing, hugging or touching. He was done with me.
I should’ve known this was not the dream relationship I had envisioned it to be when he asked me to figure out how I would be going back to my friend’s house as I couldn’t stay over at his. I felt used.
Paul prepared himself for bed as a signal that it was time for me to hurry up and get out of his hair. I wanted to cry but I was so intent on being perfect for him that I pretended like it was cool for him to be doing this to me. My friend wasn’t answering the phone, but I couldn’t blame her. It was really late.
I walked out into the cold dark dawn. The first thing I noticed was the silence and then the faint glow of the city lights shining on to the empty street.
I found a bench near a bus stop, but no one would be driving buses at this time of night. The worst part was that I didn’t even know my friend’s address so I had no idea how to get there. It suddenly dawned on me that I was a teenager alone at night in a city full of predators. I thought I would start crying like a fountain then and there but I was so afraid of what monster might come out from the dark to ‘help’ me in my despair that I quickly contained myself. A tear or two did manage to escape, but I was successful in seeming calm and collected after that.
I remembered a guy who had always wanted to date me. He had just moved close by and I was sure he would come to my rescue even if I woke him up at that very moment. He had followed me around like a puppy for years and I had kept him close. This type of situation was the reason I had kept him close. A cruel thing to do on my part but even at such a young age I understood the power of being attractive and how to use it to my advantage.
In that moment, It was my way of being the fittest and surviving the rest of the night or at least, until my friend answered the phone. I knew he only did all of the things he did for me to have me, but the more he did and the less I gave into his wish the bigger his desperate attempts became.
I guess Paul and him had that in common; they both wanted to use me. At least, I was smart enough to use one of them back.
‘Hey, I’m sorry. Did I wake you?’ I heard myself whisper to the phone. Of course, I had woken him up but I didn’t know what else to say.
That night I slept on his sofa. His sofa was next to his bed and I could tell he was excited to have me in his territory. He saw this as the perfect opportunity to get closer. I could tell he was seconds away from drooling over me as a horney dog drools over a bitch in heat. For a moment, I asked myself if maybe I had asked to be rescued by another monster of the night instead of what I thought was a puppy. I later found out that this “puppy” had grown up to be a rapist and pedophile. I ask myself how I could be so naive to think I was using him when in reality I was just lucky that night.
At 7 in the morning, my friend replied and sent me her address. I made my escape trying not to wake the sleeping man beside me. I took a cab and that was that. I pretended that horrible night never happened for the rest of my relationship with Paul. I never told him how shitty that had been and I really wish I had.
‘Is this how you want to spend our last day together?’ He said while holding my arms. I said I didn’t want to but I was really sad because I would miss him. He assured me that there was no reason to be sad as he would come visit from New York and I could go find him once I was done with high school. We will have a long distance relationship Paul promised.
I’m not sure if I was crying because of his departure or if I was crying at the realization of how horrible this relationship had been. I felt robbed of precious time, but my stupid heart wanted to believe that yes! We would make things work in the end even with a long distance relationship.
I clinged to the hope that if he didn’t see me for a little while he would miss me and realize how much he actually did love me. The truth was always clear though. It was so clear that a week after he left to follow his dreams I slept with a complete stranger.
-Ariann Art